June 17, 2009

I'm back. After my last post I was okay for a while, didn't feel the need to post as much as I thought I would. But today I need to post, to vent and get some things off of my mind...Today was a not so much a bad day but I really don't know what else to call it. Today was the first time in months - first time since we broke up - that I saw David. It was WEIRD to say the least. After the break up I agreed to give him back his things and I never really gotten around to doing it but today I made time to drop his things off to him so that he could have them. Giving things back in person is a hard thing to do. It's a ackward moment, you don't really know what to say or what to do. You're kinda just standing there waiting for it to be over. At first my heart raced, at the thought of seeing him, wondering what I would say or do. But when I saw him it stopped, we had our ackward moment. He just stood there trying to make small talk - why I don't know - and as I got ready to leave he asked for a hug. It was the quickest hug we had ever shared, I was scared to hold on to long because in the end I knew that it was over and though my feelings were still the same he had made the decision to end our relationship for a reason, even if it is one I do not agree with. It wasn't until I walked away that my heart start to race again. And I thought about it maybe my heart began to race because part of me knew that this was probably the end of us no matter how badly I wanted things to be different. I know that things cannot be the way they were. I had given my heart to this guy twice and both times he left me heartbroken...And though I may sound bitter I'm not. In fact, I STILL LOVE him...But on the trip home I became empty, I didn't feel anything at all like I was void of any and all emotions. This scared me more than anything. I wanted to feel something, anything but I couldn't. I had put up a wall to block the hurt and I could no longer feel it. Later on my blockade fell and I was able to feel and cry again.

In the years that I have known David we've shared much and no matter where life takes me he will always be in my heart. In the end, more than anything I want him to be happy. While I wish it could have been with me, I understand that sometimes people are put in your life for a moment. And holding on to them longer than that moment will only cause you both pain in the end.

So to David, I love you more than you will ever know and I hope you find what your looking for. You deserve no less than what you give to others and one day you will find someone who will give you just as much. And when you do always remember to trust in her love for you. That love will give her the strength to handle anything that you may be going through.

Letting Go is the Hardest thing to Do

Ever had to let someone go but you knew you couldn't? That's my problem now. I know that I should let David, my ex, go but I'm having a hard time doing it. I mean for the last eight years of my life his been there, good, bad or indifferent he's been there. After the break up I thought it would be a good idea to take a break from each other. But I'm not sticking to it. It's like everytime I want to pull away something pulls me back...I don't know why but ever since we met I have always had the desire, need, whatever you want to call it to be there for him and support him in whatever he was going through. But I can't explain why. It's weird because I don't really feel that way for other people. I mean sure I want to help my friends in any way that I can but when they refuse my help it doesn't bother me for the most part I can just let it go. But it's different with David. I feel like he tries to take on the world by himself but he doesn't have to. I'm always willing to help, be there for him, whatever it is that he needs. But just like me he tries to do everything alone. And maybe that's want attracted me to him in the first place, he's a lot like me in someways. He's my best friend...So how to I stick to my plan of taking time away from each other when I really want to be there? IDK but I have to try. I have to see if I can be without him. See if these feelings are real or just a school girl crush. You know what they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. No matter what happens I hope that in the end I get my best friend back. That guy that could make me laugh even when I wanted to cry because that is what's really important. My friendship with him means more to me than anything else.

Fell in Love - Priscilla Renea

May 24, 09

You know what the worst/best part of breaking up is...starting over...Well starting over is good because you have a fresh start and the freedom to do as you please there is a negative side to starting over. If you're still in love with you ex starting over means going on without them and at first this seems like a horrible thing. I mean you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back. That has to be the WORST feeling in the world...but moving on is not impossible it's just gonna take some time to do. So instead of focusing on what you lost you have to focus on the future and find the positives because if you don't you will only remain in the depressed and sorrow filled state of mind and what good does that do you...

As you can tell this is my outlet for gettin over my break up and I will probably post everyday for the first week. I refuse to remain in this funk that I'm currently in and this is gonna help me find my way out...I'm supposed to give him back his stuff tomorrow and I'm not really lookin forward to it. Granted it was my idea I'm still not looking forward to it but I understand that this is something that needs to be done. We've been in each others lives since our freshman year in high school its time we took some time apart. Who knows maybe he'll find the right girl or maybe we'll realizes that we're meant to be. Either way things are never gonna change if we don't give each other space to see what else is out there...

I'm tired so good night.

Love Lost...

So my boyfriend broke up with me...but I didn't just lose my boyfriend I lost my best friend too and it sucks...I hate when girls cry over guys that don't want them and I've become one of those girls... It's hard to lose someone you gave your heart to, someone whose been in your life for years. You feel like you've lost a piece of yourself and you don't really know if you'll ever be the same again. But I'm not naïve I know this feeling will only last for a moment in time and one day I'll wake up fine. But its the time in between then and now that I hate. It's like everyday there's a rush of pain you can't avoid. So when I feel that pain rushing in I walk and I keep walking until I've calmed down. And it works until it doesn't anymore and then I'm back to walking...break ups are the worst but if I let them break me that's the real tragedy...

Bruised but not Broken - Joss Stone

Welcome to the World of Ms. Anonymous!

Welcome to the world of Ms. Anonymous...I don't expect anyone to read this but writing has always been my outlet to clear things out of my head, so here it goes...

So here's the deal...I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS...and no matter how hard I try nothing works. I know some people say "Oh, you just haven't found the right person yet" but that's crap...I'm realizing that maybe it's not the guys, maybe its me. Maybe I expect too much and no one is ever gonna be able to give me exactly what I want. But I didn't think that I was asking too much. All I ask is that you be there, send time with me, talk to me, actually be around but thus far I have not been able to find what I want. But that could be my choice in guys...I like guys that have goals and dreams which can make them busy but it should still leave time for them to live their lives. But as I learned today that's not right at all. And a commitment to me is emotionally taxing.

So what is there to do now...stay single and wait for the next guy to come along and disappoint me or I can do what guys do and date as many guys as possible until I find one that's right for me. Only that's not what I want to do. If I really wanted that I wouldn't have made the commitment in the first place. But that doesn't matter now. Now I have to pick myself up and move on. What's the point of holding on to someone who wants to be set free?

LOVE does it really exist or is it a figment of our imagination...