June 17, 2009

I'm back. After my last post I was okay for a while, didn't feel the need to post as much as I thought I would. But today I need to post, to vent and get some things off of my mind...Today was a not so much a bad day but I really don't know what else to call it. Today was the first time in months - first time since we broke up - that I saw David. It was WEIRD to say the least. After the break up I agreed to give him back his things and I never really gotten around to doing it but today I made time to drop his things off to him so that he could have them. Giving things back in person is a hard thing to do. It's a ackward moment, you don't really know what to say or what to do. You're kinda just standing there waiting for it to be over. At first my heart raced, at the thought of seeing him, wondering what I would say or do. But when I saw him it stopped, we had our ackward moment. He just stood there trying to make small talk - why I don't know - and as I got ready to leave he asked for a hug. It was the quickest hug we had ever shared, I was scared to hold on to long because in the end I knew that it was over and though my feelings were still the same he had made the decision to end our relationship for a reason, even if it is one I do not agree with. It wasn't until I walked away that my heart start to race again. And I thought about it maybe my heart began to race because part of me knew that this was probably the end of us no matter how badly I wanted things to be different. I know that things cannot be the way they were. I had given my heart to this guy twice and both times he left me heartbroken...And though I may sound bitter I'm not. In fact, I STILL LOVE him...But on the trip home I became empty, I didn't feel anything at all like I was void of any and all emotions. This scared me more than anything. I wanted to feel something, anything but I couldn't. I had put up a wall to block the hurt and I could no longer feel it. Later on my blockade fell and I was able to feel and cry again.

In the years that I have known David we've shared much and no matter where life takes me he will always be in my heart. In the end, more than anything I want him to be happy. While I wish it could have been with me, I understand that sometimes people are put in your life for a moment. And holding on to them longer than that moment will only cause you both pain in the end.

So to David, I love you more than you will ever know and I hope you find what your looking for. You deserve no less than what you give to others and one day you will find someone who will give you just as much. And when you do always remember to trust in her love for you. That love will give her the strength to handle anything that you may be going through.