What can I say, this time around was different. A lot different than what I had with David, who I'm proud to say is once again one if my closest friends and a recently married man. You know how they say that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone when it comes to dating, but more so life in general, well I kind of did that. Jake, that's what we're going to call this boyfriend, was not exactly what I was looking for when it came to dating. Now don't get me wrong Jake was a great guy, a really good friend but just not someone that I had ever thought of as more than a friend. And that was mainly because I swore that I would never date someone younger than me and Jake was about 2 years younger than me. But like I said I went out of my comfort zone. And it all started with a kiss, as ever good things should lol. I'll skip all the details but lets just say I was completely wrong about Jake for a long time. He was way more than just my friend and I was either too stupid to see it or lying to myself. Funny things is David was the one who told me I was into to Jake, I just its always the ones who know you best that can see things about you that even you can't see. Things were great for the first year, we were pretty much inseparable. Constantly talking to one another, always on Skype and when he was home together as much as possible. I had finally found a relationship that I didn't feel awkward in. I could still talk to him the way I did when we were just friends, I wasn't constantly guard, it just felt really natural. I started to feel like maybe I didn't suck at relationships I just hadn't found the right one.
But of course, things can't be bliss forever, enter year #2.
Year #2 started off relatively smoothly, but as a good friend of mine told me year #2 is when you truly start to see the other person for who they are. The rose colored glasses come off and you really start to take note of their personality quirks and things of that sort. Now since we had been friends for so long I was well aware of a good amount of Jake's quirks, i.e. he has not filter, sometimes he's a little too blunt, mainly things of that nature. Now I was able to let most of the things go without saying anythings, but I guess that without realizing I had become more comfortable with myself and more aware of what I could and could not take from my partner. So there were times when I would voice my opinion on things, and for me this is were I started to see things change. To me it seem that the more I spoke up the more he slowly started to pull away. (Now of course no relationship is perfect and every story has two sides but the is just how things seemed to me.) As the relationship continued on we both tried to keep things the same, not let disagreements determine our interactions with one another. But of course those feelings don't just go away, at least for me they don't and I can be a very opinionated person at times.
The real break down of the relationship happened when the communication shut down. Now I forgot to mention this but Jake is in college so he's 3 hours away, and we've sent 75% of relationship that way sort of long distance. I'll be the first to admit I didn't have much faith in long distance relationship. They can be really hard to keep up and it that's a lot of effort from both parties to keep them strong. That being said I had gotten over my wariness of long distance relationship because we keep in touch so much that the distance wasn't really noticeable. We would be in touch constantly everyday for the entire first year, text, Skype, on the phone for hours. And even before we were together we pretty much talked everyday. So that keep things strong, at least for me they did. It wasn't like when i was with David and I felt like I was on the back burner. I felt like Jake made and effort to make me feel like a part of his life even when we weren't together. And yes I know that sounds a little ridiculous because I should feel like a part of his life if we were together but it was important to me. Now in the last few months Jake and I hardly ever talked and when we did it seemed like all we did was argue. I am sure that if you ask him it will because he said all I did was complain about how things weren't the same. Which is true, I can own that. However, what I failed to get him to realize was that constant talking that we did the first year we were together is what helped me feel secure about our relationship. If anyone has bother to read some of my other rambles they will know I pretty much feel like I suck at relationships but the constant talking help me feel secure that things were on the right track. And okay I get it he's in school and its his last year so he has things to do but is once a day too much to as for.(Well seeing that we are no longer together maybe it was.)
I'll skip the break up and get down to the post break up reflections. Truth is, I still want to be with him and that probably won't change for a while. But I can see were I pushed him. Am I sorry for it? Not exactly. And I know that sounds horrible but I don't regret the things that I did. I do regret that it may have been the reason for my relationship ending. But this is how I see it, I grew a hell of a lot in this relationship and I am a better person for it. I step out on a limb, fall head of heels and them some in love with an amazing guy and I don't regret a single moment of it. I learned how to communicated better, not to settle, and I learned to be a little bit more independent. All in all, even though a part of me will feel somewhat like a failure because the relationship ended, this relationship was definitely a SUCCESS. Who knows this may not even be the end for me and Jake. But if it is I don't regret a single moment of it.
You don't get hurt if you never take a chance, but if you never take a chance you might never find that things you are looking for. So when it comes to love, give it your all and don't regret a single moment of it.
